Here it is, days away from Christmas, my son's first Christmas to be exact, and instead of joy and excitement I just want to crawl under a rock. My house is a disaster, not a single Christmas decoration, the Christmas presents (most of which I was forced to buy) are shoved in the corner of my already packed office/nusery. Work is miserable, it's getting harder and harder to get anything done during the day. And not that I'm a puppy dog that needs constant positive reinforcement but so positive feedback would be nice for a change. Maybe balance out all the "constructive criticism" just once. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate being able to spend the day with my son and not have to leave him in the care of some own known person. But sometimes I just want a minute to myself.
Is it at all possible to have "me" time once you become a mother? I'm feeding, I'm cleaning, I'm playing, I'm working, I'm interacting, I'm wondering what the hell happened to me. When I do try to take a minute someone needs to tell me something. My husband constantly asks me if I'm okay, but it's more of the you're not okay so tell me what's wrong. Well dear - I want to go a day without crying or being on the verge of tears. I want to be able to work without feeling guilty. I would love to be able to sit down with a cup of coffee and just be. I would like the checklist of chores to be marked off by someone else for a change. It would be totally awesome if I could just work without mentally figuring out if I'm making enough money that day. I would like to ask for something to get done once and for it to actually get done. I would like for things to get done without asking. I would like to just skip Christmas and not have to worry about all the pending drama. I would like to just be for a few minutes. God help me.
Something crazy happened when I became a mother. I love my son, I live my husband, and I love my life but sometimes it's all just too much. I feel like shit every minute of everyday. I feel guilty about everything. Guilty for not be able to focus more on my son during the day. Guilty about not being able to be there for my husband like I used to be. Not being able to have our alone time to stay a happy, healthy couple. Guilty for even thinking about looking for a job outside of the home. Guilty for wanting some time to myself. I feel like a bad wife, a terrible mother, and clearly I'm an awful person in general for all the drama that surrounds me even though I try so desperately to keep a positive environment for my son.
This is fucking ridiculous. I need some mom friends.
Ugh. Sorry about the rant guys. The holidays are a tough time for me.
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